There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
You Might Also Like
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.