Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
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#oldknees
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.