My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
monday
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.