Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Everything reminds me of my ex
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..