Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]