I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
there has never been a better use of this meme
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”