How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.