In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Going to church you guys need anything