She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.