road rage
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls