where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
You Might Also Like
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Well, this is awkward
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*