me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby