Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?