My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name