Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.