Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
“How’s your day going?”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis