Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.