Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
You Might Also Like
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
saw this in a dream
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.