birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*