I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*updates tinder bio*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
this is so top tier i cant
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet