I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
You Might Also Like
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Ah yes. The three genders
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.