Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
You Might Also Like
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone