John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.