Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.