Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
You Might Also Like
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
absolutely not
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Looking at you, Jesus.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?