devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The Compass
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.