I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
You Might Also Like
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip