How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.