Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle