People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Mornin
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff