At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.