Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
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I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.