[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
584.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.