I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs