One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.