“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years