Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Breakfast for Stoners:
It do be feeling this way.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME