my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Strange
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff