me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
It’s an epidemic…
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?