Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.