This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity