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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.