Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.