Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first