insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Meme Monday.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.