I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You Might Also Like
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Interior design 👌
*puts words between two asterisks*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
So that’s what we looked like?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.