“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale