I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
iPhone X
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.