Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it