got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
You Might Also Like
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?